2012 Revolver Golden Gods Nominees Are In. Prepare To Facepalm Or Eyeroll.

It’s that time of year again. That magical time of year when the Grammys are done being terrible and ignorant of rock music and the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame inducts people that don’t belong. I’m of course speaking of the Revolver Golden Gods Awards which is supposed to be the rocker and head bangers little slice of heaven where we have our own niche unsullied by outsiders that don’t understand. The problem is this is the fourth year in existence for these awards and rockers and headbangers can’t even get THIS shit right. Just like other awards shows it’s one big popularity contest which means that the shitty core bands that sellout…er….sell a lot of records are matched up against legendary bands that may or may not still deserve accolades. And what is left out is the actual quality. Admittedly I don’t read Revolver magazine so this may come as no surprise to anyone but I still have fun bagging on these nominations every year. The one thing Revolver did get right this year, is the lack of hottest chick category. That’s one stereotype,image killer down the tubes. Now if they could just work on their nominations we’d have something. Speaking of nominations,once again you…yes you the viewer can cast your vote on each category here. Chances are pretty good my votes will not matter as someone terrible will ultimately win. So after the jump is said nominations and my snarky comments after each one. Feel free to chime in and rage or applaud at your leisure. Here we go.

Best Guitarists

* Jinxx and Jake Pitts (BLACK VEIL BRIDES)
* Zoltan Bathory and Jason Hook (FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH)
* Willie Adler and Mark Morton (LAMB OF GOD)
* Robb Flynn and Phil Demmel (MACHINE HEAD)
* Dave Mustaine and Chris Broderick (MEGADETH)
* Matt Heafy and Corey Beaulieu (TRIVIUM)

Started off with a doozy didn’t we? This category speaks volumes of the integrity that is on display by the editors of Revolver. What about bands that have just one guitar player? And there are plenty that run circles around the douches in this category. But see, those single guitar playing bands aren’t as popular as this group(cough Petrucci cough). I picked Megadeth. Mustaine and Broderick trading off even if the songs of late have been meh, makes for a clinic in riffs and soloing.

 

Best Drummer

* Charlie Benante (ANTHRAX)
* Jeremy Spencer (FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH)
* Taylor Hawkins (FOO FIGHTERS)
* Chris Adler (LAMB OF GOD)
* Brann Dailor (MASTODON)
* Tomas Haake (MESHUGGAH)

Just because the Foo Fighters won a ton of Grammys doesn’t mean they need to be here too. So no. By my criteria then since I’m not amazed anymore about how fast people can double bass, would have to be Charlie. Yes, I did not pick Haake because I’m not fellating Meshuggah like half the metal world seems to be these days and off time tempos drive me nuts. Deal with it.

 

Best Vocalist

* Sebastian Bach
* Andy Biersack (BLACK VEIL BRIDES)
* James Durbin
* Amy Lee (EVANESCENCE)
* Ivan Moody (FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH)
* Jonathan Davis (KORN)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thousands of vocalists out there and this is what Revolver comes up with for vocalists? Jesus, where to begin with this? Bach = overrated and is a tool. Fuck off with Biersack Sixx. Here is the real kicker, are you seriously trolling me here Revolver? James Durbin? American Idol kid who sang Judas Priest and now everyone thinks he’s this awesome metalhead? Never mind the fact that his solo album had no trace of metal in it even though he stole half of In This Moment? Amy Lee. Bullshit. There are a fuckton of better female vocalists if you want to be co ed on this. But Revolver knows this and knows my recommends aren’t as popular. Ivan Moody =Generic Disturbed and Pantera vocals = profit. And finally Jonathan Davis. I can’t do it. I can’t in good conscience vote for any of these people. Go to hell Revolver. Thanks for giving me an option to skip a category by the way(not).

 

Album Of The Year

* ANTHRAX – “Worship Music”
* EVANESCENCE – “Evanescence”
* FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH – “American Capitalist”
* FOO FIGHTERS – “Wasting Light”
* KORN – “The Path Of Totality”
* LAMB OF GOD – “Resolution”

 

I spent way too much time on the vocalist category so I’ll keep this brief. I vote Anthrax because they were on my list of tops of 2011. Fun fact….5FDP was on my top 5 worst.

 

Best Live Band

* AVENGED SEVENFOLD
* FOO FIGHTERS
* GUNS N’ ROSES
* JUDAS PRIEST
* SEETHER
* TOOL

I have yet to see Tool and would like to. I’ve heard good things. But the rest of this, I saw G N’ R. in ’92 and walked out. I saw Priest in ’86 and stayed. Priest it is then.

 

Most Metal Athlete

* Gina Carano (MMA fighting)
* Brian Deegan (pro motocross)
* Evan Longoria (MLB baseball)
* Dirk Nowitzki (NBA basketball)
* Mitch Petrus (NFL football)
* CM Punk (WWE wrestling)

This dumbass category again. I’d pick Gina because she’s hot but then again is she a fucking metalhead or is it because there were metal songs on the soundtrack of her crappy movie? Also it would be hypocritical since I’m glad they got rid of the hottest chick category. I’d pick Dirk because he comes from a region of the world that warred with Vikings. Yep….Dirk.

 

Comeback Of The Year

* ANTHRAX
* DREAM THEATER
* EVANESCENCE
* MINISTRY
* SLIPKNOT
* VAN HALEN

 

Methinks Revolver does not understand the concept of comeback. Dream Theater wasn’t away for decades in fact they stayed on a two year cycle between releases. Mike Portnoy leaving was not that devastating where it was a question if DT could recover. Anthrax and Van Halen, now those were comebacks but what year are we talking here? Van Halens new one just released this year and Worship Music has been out for months now. You know what, screw it….I’m going to say Van Halen because I just did the review and they were away a lot longer then Anthrax and there you go. Van Halen and a close second of Anthrax.  “But what about Ministry? Al almost died” Yes, and he continued to make the same repetitive industrial tunes he’s always made. Ministry is boring.

 

Riff Lord

* Scott Ian (ANTHRAX)
* Zakk Wylde (BLACK LABEL SOCIETY)
* Dave Grohl (FOO FIGHTERS)
* Munky (KORN)
* Slash
* Eddie Van Halen (VAN HALEN)

 

Oh, here is the single guitarist bands. Well then. What do we have? I would not have nominated anyone here. I enjoyed the riffs of Amon Amarth way more then any of this stuff. But once again it comes down to VH and Anthrax. I’ll give Scotty the nod here.

 

Paul Gray Best Bassist

* Frank Bello (ANTHRAX)
* Michael Anthony (CHICKENFOOT)
* Fieldy (KORN)
* David Ellefson (MEGADETH)
* Nikki Sixx (SIXX: A.M.)
* Wolfgang Van Halen (VAN HALEN)

 

I’m getting tired of this so I’m going to say John Myung or Les Claypool. Primus released an album did they not? Why is Les not here? Because Revolver are morons.

 

Best International Band

* BEHEMOTH
* LACUNA COIL
* RAMMSTEIN
* SEPULTURA
* MESHUGGAH
* X JAPAN

 

Hundreds of better bands out there then this lot. Insomnium single handledly put out a better album then these groups combined. Behemoth didn’t even release a new studio album yet due to Nergal’s leukemia. I listened to Lacuna Coil’s new one, and still have not got around to doing a review because I care that little. The younger set will pick Meshuggah but I’m going with Sepultura based on these choices.

 

Most Dedicated Fans

* ASKING ALEXANDRIA
* AVENGED SEVENFOLD
* BLACK VEIL BRIDES
* EVANESCENCE
* FALLING IN REVERSE
* HIM

 

This is another hilarious entry. Look at that list of nominees too. This category should be Iron Maiden every year. Because the bands listed here are either irrelevant or will be gone in five years thanks to trends. Stupid.

 

So there you go. If you want to vote yourself I discovered I can embed it here for you instead of making you click a tiny link. See, I’m much nicer then Revolver to you folks.

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2 responses to “2012 Revolver Golden Gods Nominees Are In. Prepare To Facepalm Or Eyeroll.

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